


Pissed off is an ugly emotion

by Issylang



Series: A Busy Bee and Her Flowers [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: And Maria and Luther, And the trial, M/M, My poor son deserves better, So the other foxes besides Nicky are pretty much just briefly mentioned, There are also mentions of conversion therapy, This is just my reaction to the fandom not giving Nicky any personality, and so that's what I'm giving him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 13:11:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8752882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Issylang/pseuds/Issylang
Summary: The problem wasn’t Bee. It truly wasn’t. She was a lovely person, honestly, and he wished that her profession hadn’t ruined her for Nicky. But it had. He managed to suck it up for the two meetings he was required to attend each year, but other than that he avoided the sunny therapist like the plague. The word therapy flashed across his mind, and then he was back in a facility somewhere in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and they were handing him a hammer and he was steadfastly nailing himself back into the closet and—





	

Nicky Hemmick was pissed.

He was completely and utterly pissed. Which happened to piss him off even more, because he just  _ didn’t get pissed _ .

He was happy and smiling, or sad and crying, or annoyed and snarky, but he didn’t get pissed off.

On top of that, Nicky was  _ so tired _ .

He didn’t have the energy to be happy and smiling, or sad and crying, or annoyed and snarky, and that just added to how pissed off he was.

He was pissed at Luther for putting Andrew and Aaron through all of this. He was pissed at the justice system for having to have this stupid trial at all. He was pissed at Dan, and Matt, and Renee for constantly asking if he was okay (as if he was the one that was raped or on trial for murder). He was pissed at Allison for bugging him about not crying and losing her  _ $300 Nicky! 300! _ (she stopped talking to him when she saw how empty his eyes were). He was pissed at Jack for his overly loud comment of  _ You know, with that empty look on your face, you three actually look related! _

However, more than anything else, he was pissed that he was pissed, and that he was tired, and that he felt empty at all, because he thought he had left all of this behind him when he went to Germany. His mind screamed at him _ I thought we were done with this, I thought you had moved past this, I thought we weren’t going to be this way anymore, Erik is going to be so disappointed in you, Erik is going to leave you, Erik is— _

“Nicky!” A gruff voice interrupted his meltdown, and he looked up to see Wymack giving him a concerned look. The rest of the team had apparently vacated the building, leaving Nicky almost entirely alone with his thoughts.

“Yes, coach?”

Wymack gave him an odd look, taking in the vacant expression that had been plastered on his face for weeks now.

“You need to see Bee.”

Nicky’s world crumbled out from under him.

The problem wasn’t Bee. It truly wasn’t. She was a lovely person, honestly, and he wished that her profession hadn’t ruined her for Nicky. But it had. He managed to suck it up for the two meetings he was required to attend each year, but other than that he avoided the sunny therapist like the plague. The word therapy flashed across his mind, and then he was back in a facility somewhere in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and they were handing him a hammer and he was steadfastly nailing himself back into the closet and—

“Nicky! Nicky! Nicholas Esteban Hemmick!”

Coach’s voice was gruffer than usual, and when Nicky turned up too look at him the older man nearly fell over with how hard he flinched.

“Coach, I understand that you think that you are doing something wonderful by sending me to see Bee, I really do see where exactly you’re coming from, but I really cannot do that.”

“And I say that if you don’t you aren’t playing. I will bench you for however long it takes until you see her.”

“Okay,” Nicky didn’t have any qualms about leaving the Foxes, not if his actual sanity was on the line. Besides, Andrew had Neil, and Aaron had Katelyn, and they didn’t need him around anymore, if they ever did at all.

“Don’t even worry about benching me, just rip up my contract and call it done. Find a new backliner, I’m shit at it anyways. I’ll move back to Germany, visit sporadically, send you a Christmas card and everything. It was nice knowing ya, coach.”

He turned to leave, but then there was a hand around his wrist and a gentle, coaxing Nicky, and if he was normal Nicky (the Nicky that the foxes had become accustomed to, had expected) he would have cried. But he wasn’t. He was the Nicky that had been through hell in back all under the name of therapy, and he refused to regress in every way possible over this.

“Coach, I will literally do anything, just so long as you don’t make me see Bee.”

He realized belatedly that he had managed to stick his foot in his mouth once again when he saw the mixture of anger and exasperation flash through Wymack’s eyes.

“And what, pray tell, is wrong with Betsy Dobson?”

Nicky was more than a little tired of this conversation (more than a little tired of everything, really), but he figured he owed Wymack at least a small explanation after everything he had done for him.

“It’s not Bee that I have a problem with, I promise. No—really, she’s lovely, honestly, a wonderful human being, but her job title isn’t something I’m too terribly fond of. I’m not too comfortable with the t-word, if you know what I mean, Coach.”

Understanding dawned on Wymack’s face, and his shoulders sagged as he ran his hand across his face and let out a sigh.

“Look, Nicky, I’m not going to force you to go on a regular basis, or anything like that. However, I do think you should see her, at least once. You’re really concerning your teammates. And I am not the one who is paid to solve your problems, that’s Bee. So, you  _ are _ going to see her, just this once. And if it hurts more than it helps, then you will never have to see her again. Yes, even for the mandatory meetings. Now leave, I have work, and you have an appointment in twenty minutes.”

Nicky wanted to tell coach  _ no _ , he  _ would not _ be seeing Bee in twenty minutes, he would not be seeing Bee until the next semester. He wanted to fight everything and everyone. He wanted to scream until his voice gave out. He wanted to hop on a plane to Germany and never look back. He wanted to sleep for the next three years and wake up happily next to Erik.

What he wanted more than anything, though, was to stop feeling pissed and tired and empty. He just didn’t have the energy to fight anymore, and he really didn’t enjoy that feeling. He had lived like that for years, and relapsing wasn’t really on his list of things to do.

He sighed, heaving himself off of the couch, but stopped in his tracks once he realized he was going to have to walk to Reddin. He could call Andrew or Matt, but he wasn’t too keen on having either of those conversations right now. (With Andrew it wouldn’t be much of a conversation, per se, but he wasn’t up for whatever look he would receive over the inconvenience.) It didn’t matter, though, because just as he was deciding on which interaction he’d rather avoid least he heard jingling and then there were a set of keys at his feet.

“This goes against every fiber of my being, but I’m trusting you to return it in once piece. Please don’t make me regret it.”

Nicky nodded, and lugged himself out to where Wymack’s truck was parked. He decided to check his phone before leaving (he was stalling, really, trying to come up with a nonexistent excuse to get out of this whole ordeal), finding a red five staring up at him from his messenger app.

_ Neil: If you need me to come get you just text me, Andrew is tired of waiting. _

_ Renee: Remember that we’re here Nicky. Don’t be afraid to reach out. _

_ Matt: Hey, saw you were a little zoned out at practice. I’m here if you want to talk. Or need a ride. _

_ Dan: Sorry. Don’t be mad at Wymack. _

_ Erik: I love you. I miss you. You are so strong. Keep your head up, Liebling. _

He sent out a text to Matt and Neil that he would be out for a little bit, and not to worry (he wasn’t sure if Neil would worry, but he figured it was important just in case). He told Renee thanks and Dan that it was fine, and left Erik’s for later. He repeated it over and over in his mind on the short drive to Reddin.

He was absolutely _ fine _ . Totally and completely a-okay. Literally,  _ nothing was wrong at all _ . At least, he  _ was _ fine, everything _ was _ fine, right up until he walked in through the doors of Reddin. It was completely different from the last place he entered like this, but it still put him on edge.

“Hello, Nicky. It’s so nice to see you. Will you follow me upstairs, please?”

He nodded, not trusting his voice, and shuffled behind Bee. As they passed by door after door, each with a black, engraved nameplate centered on it, Nicky tried to calm his rapidly beating heart, tried to keep the bad memories at bay, tried to convince himself that Bee was only going to help him.

“Now, I know in our semester sessions you gave me permission to record our conversation. I hope that still rings true.”

Nicky nodded once again. He really wasn’t in the mood for talking. (He’s pretty sure the foxes would have a heart attack if they were here to witness it.)

“You seem pretty quiet today, Nicky. From what I know about you, that doesn’t seem to be the standard. Does it have to do with the upcoming trial?”

He really hated this, just how many people were worried about his reaction to the trial. As if it had anything to do with him.

“Sorry for my bluntness, but why would it? I mean, it’s not like I’m the one on trial or the one that has to face my… you know. There is no reason for me to have an issue with the trial.”

Bee cast an odd, half-disapproving-half-pitying look at him as she jotted some notes down on her notepad. He really was struggling with the idea that Bee wanted to help him, wasn’t going to lock him away and criticize his entire being, and that look did not do anything to help.

“Nicky, you’re about to face your parents, who did some awful things to both you and your cousins. It is perfectly okay to be upset about that, and it can be destructive to deny your feelings.”

Nicky wanted to laugh, seeing as he spent the majority of his life learning to do exactly that.

“I honestly am okay, no issues with facing my parents. I understand that I’m not going to have a relationship with them anymore, and I’ve accepted that. I’m just a little tired, and not much in the mood for talking.”

(Or doing much of anything, really, but Bee didn’t need to know that. Besides, if he said that he’s pretty sure he’d get that disappointed-pity look again, and he didn’t really have any positive associations with that look. Especially in situations like this.)

“I understand where you’re coming from, Nicky, but we need to work through this as well. It’s not healthy to bottle up your feelings. Do you think you’d be comfortable sharing them with me? That would be a start.”

He decided he could add uncomfortable to the list of things he was feeling as well. The perfect order of her office was throwing him off, reminding him of a much similar place he once was in.

_ Take a look around the office. Look at the order of it. Everything is in its proper place. Everything is lined up, all straight and in a row. It’s representative of what we should be, isn’t it, Mr. Hemmick? _

“I’m fine, really. And, no offense meant by this at all, honestly, but I’d probably be doing even better if I weren’t here. I’m not all that fond of your practice. Not the best memories associated with it.”

“I see. Would you prefer to talk about that instead?”

He really, really wouldn’t. He never wanted to think about it again, but the moment she brought it up the dam was busted, and suddenly Nicky was reliving years of his life he had locked away once again.

There was a woman’s voice in his ear, telling him how good of a boy he was, how she was proud of him for being with her instead of a man. There were jolts of electricity, aimed at his hands and other places that he tried really hard not to think about. There was his mother, crying, as he introduced his first girlfriend, and then his father’s proud and approving look that followed the interaction. There was a man standing in front of a room full of people just like him, telling them to  _ pray away the gay _ and remember that  _ homosexuality is a sin, one that God does not create in humans. You made a choice, now you must make a new one. _ There was him, locked away in a room, straight porn playing in the background, a woman standing in front of him.  _ You know that this is what’s right, Nicky. You know that this is what you really want. This is what God wants. _

He didn’t realize that he had shrunken in on himself, or that he was struggling to breathe, but suddenly Bee was right in front of him, her chair pushed in at the desk behind her.

“Nicky, you need to breathe. We don’t need to discuss that. We don’t need to discuss anything if it isn’t going to help. Now, ground yourself. Think about where you are, find a minute detail in the room, the scent, the feel of the couch, the color of the wall, anything, and anchor yourself in the present.”

He grasped onto his phone in his pocket, feeling its smooth surface.

_ I love you. I miss you. You are so strong. Keep your head up. I love you. I miss you. You are so strong. Keep your head up. I love y— _

He took in one slow, measured breath, and relaxed some when it only hitched a little bit in the middle. He continued his mantra, continued thinking of only Erik, continued slowing his breaths.

“We don’t have to talk anymore today, Mr. Hemmick, and I’m certainly not going to pry, but I would like to see you again. I’d like to see if we could get past this issue with ther—”

“The t-word,” He cut her off with a small smile. He was pretty sure he couldn’t handle hearing her say it again, not after what had just happened.

“To be completely honest with you,” he continued, “I really don’t want to come back again. I don’t want to work on this. I know that I should, but I don’t particularly care. I found my own solutions, and worked past my own problems. Right now, I’m just really tired, and pretty pissed off at everything. And I definitely don’t like feeling like that, feeling angry and empty. I wasted so many years of my life feeling like nothing but that, and I never want to be that person again. And I know that that’s a sign of depression, and I know that it’s considered relapse. But I also know that I will live through this, that I will come out on the other end of this whole ordeal with Aaron’s trial, and I will right back to my old emotional self. That this isn’t the end of the world, and that I am not the person that was once teetering on the edge.

“The t-word represents something that I moved on from, something that I managed to live through, and while I would love to grow and understand it better, I know that it’s very unlikely. I want to be entirely okay, ‘normal’ if you will, but I know that that is pretty unlikely as well, and, while I can move on from my past, it will still shape me. I’ve worked to this point in life without the t-word, and I’m not convinced that it will help enough to warrant opening old wounds.

“You saw what happens when I think about my issues with it, and it’s not something I’m too terribly fond of experiencing. I am more than content with where my life is, and while it could be better, I know that I am a fox. Life isn’t all that kind to us, and I’m certainly no exception, but I’m not going to pretend like I need help to make it to a brighter future. Because I really don’t. I know it’s there, and I know that I’m going to make it to that point, and I know that when I want to talk people will listen. I respect your profession Bee, I really do, and I think that you’re a wonderful person, but I just don’t think I can utilize your help in the way that others want me to.

“Thank you for listening, for taking in what I’m saying, rather than just brushing it off as most people do. And thank you for trying to help me, honestly. Maybe one day I’ll be willing to talk about what Luther and Maria put me through, and you’ll be the first to know if I do, but maybe I won’t. The point is, that doesn’t matter because I still have my own family. I still have a bright future waiting for me. I still have my own coping mechanisms.

“And don’t worry, the blank face will only last until the end of the trial, and then everything will go back to normal. I don’t like living like this, but I know that I can, and I know that it’s temporary, and that’s good enough for me. I’ll see you next semester, even though I don’t have to, because I enjoy our non t-word based conversations, and I like you an awful lot as a person. But this will be it for our extra sessions as far as I’m concerned. Thank you for trying, really, but I just don’t need it.”

He let out a long breath at the end of his spiel, and a thought crossed his mind that caused him to let out a snort of laughter.

“You know, I think that’s the most I’ve said in a month. I don’t know if the team would be relieved or shocked.”

Bee looked like she was trying to come up with the best possible response to everything he had just shared without stepping over any lines. She scribbled something on the notepad in front of her and tapped her pen three times. A small smile spread across her face right before she spoke.

“You know what, Nicky? I think that you have everything all figured out for yourself, as best as you can. If you ever want to talk about anything, from the t-word to how beautiful Stuttgart is, you know where I am. Have a good rest of the season, I’ll be rooting for you.”

He flashed her a smile, a genuine one, and told her he would keep the thought in his mind before exiting the office.

He thought about himself on the way back to the court. He definitely wasn’t going to be magically his old self again, he was still pissed off and utterly exhausted, but he also felt a bit relieved. While he wasn’t suddenly a t-word enthusiast, or magically cured of his past full of issues, he could definitely see her appeal to Andrew.

He didn’t really register making it back to Wymack’s office, but here he was. (He really wanted to stop blanking out like that. He really hated not being present.) He dropped the keys down onto the desk to get his attention and was about to turn around and leave when the exy coach spoke up.

“Well, how’d it go?”

“I’ll still see her for the mandatory semester meetings, because I actually enjoy those, but otherwise Betsy and I both agreed that we would be better off without me seeing her on a regular basis. And, while I appreciate the sentiment, I promise you that I am okay, and I will be all back to normal once the trial is over. Trust me to handle my own way of coping.”

Wymack let out a sigh but nodded.

“Sit down for a second, will you?”

Wymack very rarely looked his age, but he suddenly looked years older as he looked Nicky in the eye. He’s not sure what an outsider would have thought of the two of them just then, two exhausted men looking at each other like the world was too much of a burden, but he’s sure it wouldn’t be pleasant.

“Earlier, you said that you were shit at Exy. That I should just find a new backliner. I’m only going to tell you this once, but that is a  _ goddamn lie _ . You are a member of a class I Exy team for a reason, and if you weren’t able to play at that level I wouldn’t have signed you at all. No, don’t tell me that I only signed you for Aaron and Andrew, because you know I wouldn’t have completely ruined the chances of this team just for the two of them. You are a good Exy player Nicky, and I will not have you believing otherwise. Now leave, Matt’s outside waiting for you, and it’s getting to mushy in here for comfort.”

Nicky didn’t really remember the drive back to the tower, or anything that he may have said to Matt during it. He was pretty spaced out for the rest of the night, the rest of the month really, but he made it through everything. (He didn’t ever get used to the lapse in memory though. It was still annoying as Hell.)

He went to class and did his work, practiced hard and played harder, and just kept going until the trial was over. He didn’t spare Maria or Luther a second look, didn’t bother to smile or cry for their own benefit. He knew that when they looked at him they saw pre-Germany Nicky, the one who was only hanging onto life by a thread, and he hoped that they choked on their grief.

Nicky was pissed, and exhausted, and empty, but he knew it wasn’t permanent. He knew that there was more waiting for him, and he knew that he didn’t need to depend on others to keep him whole anymore.

He turned his phone on as he exited the courthouse for the last time, and almost groaned at the little 10 above the messenger app.

There were a few from Dan, Matt, Renee, and (shockingly) Allison, all letting him know that they were there for him, and that were willing to listen if he needed to talk (although Allison’s were not in as pleasant of words). There was one from Abby letting him know that she would make dinner for whichever ones of them wanted to show up that night, and Wymack letting him know that he restocked Abby’s booze cabinet.

He opened up the last one after he was comfortably smushed into the backseat of the Maserati, the view of the town flashing by as Neil took them all to Abby’s (where Katelyn would be waiting for Aaron, and Bee would be waiting for Andrew, and booze would be waiting for Kevin and Nicky).

It was from Erik, sweet and simple.

_ I love you, I miss you, and I’m proud of you. I knew you were strong enough to make it through this, Liebling. You’re strong enough to get through anything. _

Nicky felt his mouth stretch into a real smile for the first time in a long time.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This is just my reaction towards some of the fandom's lack of characterization of Nicky. Nicky is one of my favorite characters in the series and he's honestly so interesting and I wanted to work with him. Come talk to me on my tumblr, @glendowen!


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